I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
