Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
