Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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