My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak