You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.