Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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