I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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