from now on my penis is your penis
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
