Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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