Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
