So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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