I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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