70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
