Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
50% drunk capacity currently
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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