You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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