You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
