he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We're too hungover to prance.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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