I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
