Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
