He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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