My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
