I cannot find my penis.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
