He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
