I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
