from now on my penis is your penis
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
