There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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