I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
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