Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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