I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The ass gains better be worth it
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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