You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
