My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night