After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
