if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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