Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
