An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
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