Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
