i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize