nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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