After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
