So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am