Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
