I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
