Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
