Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
