Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
if only i could text you this smell
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
