I'm gonna have a badass scar
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
