Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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