You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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