It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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