I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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