fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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