I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
