This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
