So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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