It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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