if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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