I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
