"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
