I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
