Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
